I must eat so many lemons cos I'm so bitter.

It's been a long time since I've written in this. Hm how have things been you might ask?
Kind of shitty, but it's slowly getting better. I mean I still feel like I'm going through the motions and everything's so routine, but what can you do about that? At least I don't feel as unmotivated and stressed as I did, so that's a good thing. I feel like I'm slowly accomplishing things that I need to get done and that's a great feeling, although there's still stuff I'm worried about as always. The boy situation is it's usual crap and you know what I think the problem is? They're not British. That's the problem. I'm chalking it up to the fact that men are stupid, but american men are worse. Stupider if you will. (because my life has been predictable yet again and I heard the most overused phrase in my existence- I just want to be friends. It's a vicious cycle. or something. after thinking and hoping that maybe this time it would be different.) But hey, I suck it up and move on, since I'm so used to it and all. Still hurts each time though.
Thanksgiving break is coming up this week and that means I get to see Stella which I'm quite excited about because I always have such a fun time with her and I miss her. Hm what else, practiced 3 point turns with my father today and I did a great job according to him, hopefully I'll have my license before jan 28th (the start of spring semester) I don't want to have to rely on anybody else anymore, that'll be nice.
Soo yeah, that's about it, I don't have class today so I'll just be working on my women's studies paper and then going to work. It sure is an exciting life I lead.

it's drivin' me wild

Things have been in and out lately, trying to squash fights over boys (because that's middle school), trying to figure out my other boy situation and the weirdness that's going on with all that, and just other random friend business. & I'm missing my other friends that are away at school and such, because I just need a different element in my life right now and I know that they would help.
On the upside of things, I got a new phone and we got a new fridge because our other one just went and broke.
I would write more, but I'm pretty tired. Sometime soon maybe I'll actually write about something real instead of the silly things that just pester me.

Alright.

I'm putting off working on my english essay that's already a bit late anyways, but I'll get it done before I go to sleep. So it seems that things are looking up.
I'm going on a date saturday, which is very shocking to me, but exciting all the same.
I've decided to leave behind the upset of another situation and just move on, because I don't need or want to be upset anymore. I'll leave a window cracked in the back of my mind for it, because that's all it deserves.

Anyways so I've been wondering why can't people just be honest with each other about the way that they feel? That would make things a lot less confusing I feel. But hey not everyone can do that.
Back to work.

xxx

lonely october song

1:28am

It's been quite awhile, September went by really quickly.
Not sure if that's a good or bad thing.
But right now there's drama going on and I'm trying to be the bigger person and I feel like there's no need for me to recieve any hateful emotions.
I mean I've been through stuff too and I'm trying to move past it to become the better person that I am now. It took some time to try and be this pleasant and people seem to think that I can only be happy, which is the stupidest thing ever. I'm a human too and I feel other things. And I shouldn't have to hide my feelings.
I just want to be surrounded by postitive people with good vibes you know?
Because there are other things that I'm worrying about and this doesn't need to be one of them.

Good things: getting paid today (I didn't know today was a pay day), hanging out at centennial park tomorrow (today), hotel party this coming weekend, and not having to do crocs and life is good today at work.

You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

That's how I feel^ enough is enough. Isn't it time I got something back?

I need to go to sleep soon because I have to be up very early for a hair appointment.
Man I have so much I need to do. I'm worried.

lucy in the sky with diamonds

I'm over at Chris's and we're going to see Across the Universe tonight and I'm so excited.
Robby and Drew don't want to see it, I think they're silly.
I know they're silly.
But I do enjoy their presence(s)? They're always entertaining.

So not a lot has been going on really, just procrastinating and stuff
Boys- not caring too much anymore, just doing what I usually do, flirting.
This is pretty much a pointless post, I just wanted to write about Drew and Robby.


http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_a7jkcMVp5Vg/RvV7y2GGXLI/AAAAAAAAB60/L4hraGoB3P0/s1600-h/iphone.jpg
this is for Robby.

why's it always goodnight and go?

9:19pm

My party last friday was a lot of fun. Running around shirtless in the rain on the wet playground playing tag. That's always a good time.
Otherwise, I'm still feeling weird/bad/confused. At first I didn't really know why I was feeling like this, but it's slowly starting to make sense.
I don't want to feel a certain way and it's affecting my mood, plus the fact that people are getting on my nerves. (It's like I know what I want, but there's not much I can do about it)
I'm glad to have my good friends though that can understand that.
Like Andy IMed me last night to see how I was and I thought that that was so sweet of him, made my night.
Rawr. And I don't feel like doing my math homework, but it's still early.
(& I love talks with my brother, he's always like wow you always have so much to tell me that goes on in one day)
But the exciting parts of my day include: buying new underwear and America's Next Top Model.
That's probably pretty sad.
xxx

?

Soo I feel better than yesterday
I'm excited for my party, but I hope I don't end up getting upset or something.
I'm not going to let anything get in the way of my having fun.

Something's going to happen tomorrow I just know it.
I just feel really strange.

&I can't be confused about other boys.
Sooo I'm just gonna try and stop thinking about it.

xxx

uh wtf.

It's been awhile. Here's the breakdown:
Today was shitty, everyone was being mean to me for telling a boy I like him through text.
(I didn't think it was a big deal, they ganged up on me)
I saw that boy today, almost had a conniption, he didn't see me thankfully.

Linwood, Heidi, and Taylor made me feel better.
I'm glad for them.

My playground party is on friday & I hope everything will go over well, I'm not going to let this drama get in the way of my having fun.

I'm starting to like this boy less and less, because he's oblivious, I'm getting confused about another boy. Which can't happen. Period, the end.

Mom says I shouldn't tell my friends everything because crap like this will happen.

Some people have big mouths.

I feel under appreciated.

It's surprising how quickly things/feelings/people can change.

I. don't. need. this/it.

I have so much I need to do.

Life's a mess.

Fuck.

Even though everything about this is different, that doesn't mean anything will change.
The End.

I need to stop thinking about it.

pressure!

you don't do on it on purpose, but you make me shake.

8:43pm

First off I've just been thinking about all of the stuff that I have to do and that's really annoying.

I've just been so busy and I don't want to think about the silly things that I need to get done.

Crush business

On one hand, I see something I want & I'm gonna get it and if I just stick to my guns and continue to be awesome (which he's noticed) then I should come out on top.

But on the other hand this is a person we're talking about and I'm unsure of feelings.

Good thing I have my friends to help me out because in a normal situation I would wait for awhile and then up and tell the person that I like them, because I'm a strong gal and I don't see anything wrong with that, but everytime I've done that it's just put people off.

& I hate hate hate how when you tell a boy that they're cute, they'll be like UMMM SORRY I CAN'T BE FRIENDS WITH YOU...you might try to do something... (it's not always that extreme, but they'll act weird around you)

What's so wrong with telling someone you appreciate their looks?! It's stupid when people react that way. (Oh and I know he's different because I did tell him that he's cute and he said thanks, I slipped it in pretty well& he also notices little things about me, like jewlery that I wear. Boys NEVER notice those things.)

&& This gives me an inkling of hope because sometimes these are right:

http://horoscopes.aol.com/astrology/astro-forecast/love-horoscope/taurus/september-2007

& the tarot lady that I saw in late july said something about a relationship with in 2-3 months, it's been a month now. I wrote everything she said down to see if anything came true.

I'm not jumping the gun at all, just trying to add everything together.

And to deviate from that for a second, we're buying our halloween wigs this weekend, I'm pretty excited. My costume is called Sexy Pirate Wench by the way. Hopefully we find something cool to do on Halloween, because then it would be a bit of waste. I'm sure we will though, what with all of our new friends. Ok so I'm done. I need to go take a shower.

xxx

I just think that we'd get on.

These past four days have felt like a year. I've just been so busy (in a good way) what with classes, meeting people, and making new friends. I feel like I've known these people for the longest time even though it's really been less than a week. & I think that's amazing. Linwood feels the same way. And also about this crush thing, it's not full blown as it shouldn't be, it's just that I'm very intrigued by this person and although this is probably odd, that's never happened before. So everything's pretty interesting, new, and full of texts. I'm excited for tuesday. (lunch crew!)

Oh and last night I went to a straight club for the first time and the only good things about it were: I got in for free (ladies' night!) and that the music was great. They played our theme song (Push It) of the night and that was pretty hilarious.
Downside: Everything else. Being the creepy guys, all the split beer, and the whole feeling like a stripper because I was dancing on the stage to get away from those creepy guys, but they were staring.

Gah, I can't find my remote. I need to clean my room.

Love.

I love my new friends, I love my old friends, I love that they get along with each other, I love my new godson and his mother, I kind of love school scratch that I do love it (crazy right?), I love chocolate, I love yellow, green, white, and orange gummi bears, I love the fact that Brennan works at a jewlery store so I get to try on expensive diamond rings, I love that Linwood doesn't mind if I talk about the same things, I love making friends with people who work at stores, I love shenanigans, I love the fact that I can act stupid and my friends do the same, I love hugs, I love crushes (sometimes, right now yes). Today was a good day.

xxx

OMFG.

I can't even write right now, I just found out one of my good friends had a baby, she didn't know she was pregnant. I'm going to go visit her tomorrow after class.
In other news:
1. Took the license test today, couldn't do the 3 point turn/turnabout thing so the lady told me to make another appointment. I'm not really in a rush as long as I can get to school and back things are good. I'll get my license when I get it and I'm never good at things like this on the first try. Dad said he'd get an instructor guy he knows to help me out.
2. School. School was actually pretty fun, it was great being in a whole new environment, with new and old faces. English class is going to be very interesting I think. It's an argumentative/persuasion based class and that's perfect for me because I love to argue and I'm pretty good at persuasion. Tomorrow it's math which I'm not excited about and then women's studies, Alex told me that the professor is great.
3. Work. I didn't want to work today, but I'm glad I did because it was the last time I'd get to see/work with Kath, because she's off to Atlanta on Wednesday. I'll definitely miss her, but we're going to write letters to each other. & the store was soo cold today. It was ridiculous.
Anyways I think that's pretty much it, I'm stil in shock from the first bit of news.

Oh My Word.

I'm gonna start this out with saying I'm always the catalyst.
That means that whenever I'm with friends who are interested in each other, or dating, most times they end up making out or doing something while I'm there.
I'm used to this so I hone my skill of trying to block it out, I mean I really don't mind it, but it's just funny that it always seems to happen with me. Oh and to some extent catalyst isn't the right word, but I'm the reason that nothing goes further between the people who are making out etc. etc.
& Jilly-bean I value close relationships as well and it's unfair when people don't feel the same way.
Oh and I've decided that if I were to write a book it would be called "I'd Totally Date You...If I Wasn't Gay"
Story of my life.
Anyways so Jordan and I are talking about his tv show ideas and his idea was sort of like what people he's met recently were doing before they came into contact with each other. And I
actually think about that too and how their lives would be different or my life would be different if we hadn't met.
I'm basically done, but it's so strange that this is my last weekend of summer, I'm not ready for it to be over.
xxx

Rainy Days and Mondays.

Figured that it was about time for an update. We had orientation tonight for school and HCC is bigger than I realized, I'll need to go there a couple of days before school and figure everything out. We got so many papers and free pens and I'm a dork so I love getting stuff like that. I haven't gone through it all yet.
I didn't see as many people from high school as I thought I would and that was nice.
There were a lot of cute people there as well which was also nice.
Earlier today I hung out with Stella and I'm going to miss her when she goes off to school, but I'll visit her at her apartment and we'll eat soggy cereal and watch movies. Yet another thing that will be nice. I keep saying that, sorry.
I have to work all week except for Thursday and I need to finish working on the shirt that Laura and I were making for Rupert Grint's birthday which is on Friday. All I need now is to get the size of the picture right and I'm set.
Mini-rant: I wish people were more reliable, when they say they want to hang out, follow through. Again I'm tired of giving some much and getting little or nothing back, there needs to be balance of some sort in every kind of relationship.
Anyways, it's 1:48am right now and I'm pretty sure even though I'm tired I'll be up until 4.
Night all.

What do I need?!

2:52pm

Friendship gets me down. I'm hopeless, I always want to believe that (certain) friendships will withstand the test of time. & I know in my heart that to some extent they won't. I hate how it always seems that I care so much more than other people than they do about me. & even facebook upsets me because I'm friends with all these people I don't even talk to and pictures remind of things we did or didn't do and there are people I wish I could've spent more time with. I hate feeling like this and sometimes I just think it's going to get worse. Maybe a shower and picture taking will make me feel better, because I don't know what I need.

Let's take it from the top.

That's what I look like when I'm blogging by the way. But not THAT excited all the time.

Anyways so I'm pretty sure that I think too much and it prohibits me from doing things sometimes. So last night I made some new friends and I know that in those intense, high-energy situations I can be really overwhelming. It's just a side to my personality. But people don't seem to mind. Oh and I scheduled my license test for the 27th which happens to be the same day I start college. It works out well because my first and only class is at 12:30 on Mondays.

ARGH. I HATE WHEN THE SAME PERSON ASKS ME EVERYTIME WE TALK HOW MY LOVE LIFE IS.
GOD. STFU! The answer is ALWAYS the same. And what's worse is this person is creepy. Why do I put up with this?

You know what else I hate? The fact that I live in America and I can't get all the music I want.
(i.e. the 15 S Club songs I don't have, Kate Nash, and so much more)
It would be amazing if you could buy music from all the iTunes stores.
Rawrrr.

Riot// Oh my god you're being really annoying bye.

I had to work for 11 hours straight today. Or 10 hours and 57 minutes if you want to be exact. We had these computers velcroed around our waists and the velcro kept scratching my back, it was really uncomfortable.& working that long made us irritable, tired, bitter, delirious, and sort of like zombies.I was making death threats towards the one of the inventory specialists. Kath thought it was great. And after my mom picked me up, we stopped by the bank and I got confused and put the wrong amount of money in and I was on the phone with my dad trying to work out driving plans for tomorrow and I just started crying, it was stupid really. I was just ahhh from work. It's been a long fucking day.

Rant:

Why are Americans so ignorant? I hate it when people will say immigrants need to learn English because they're in America. I'm sure they probably are, give them a break! And people like that tend to think that they're so much better than everyone else, which is utter bullshit. It makes me lose the little faith I had in humanity to begin with. Americans are no better than anyone else, it's like people in European countries saying we need to learn their language because we're there, which I bet they don't do.

Something else that annoys me: when people give way too much information in their Facebook statuses. Some of that stuff I really don't need to know and people should keep things to themselves. Pity whores and sexual deviants. (which I'm definitely okay with, but not in this way)

& on the other note I just watched The Hills (guilty pleasure) and Spencer is the creepiest
douchebag toolbox ever. If I knew someone like that I wouldn't put it past me to stab them.
&Newport Harbor is a piece of shit, it's like 10 minutes away from Laguna Beach and all those people look exactly the same.
TV like that makes me angry, clearly.

Oh no I don't mind taking it slow ow ow

I really should be asleep right now. I have to be at work at 7. It's 1:03 right now.
But nope I'm just up listening to Samson, because this song is beautiful.
It's definitely at the top of my most played list on iTunes.

So everyone's leaving for college soon (and going back) and a part of me is sad about that not only because they're leaving, but because I won't be. & another part of me is okay with it.
I won't be alone, so that helps. On the other side of things there are people that I'm more than happy to see go.
And another good thing, hopefully I'll have my license soon, so I can finally do what I need to without having to rely on someone else.
Even though my car has no radio (yet) those speakers in a bag work wonders.
Night all!

I should be making food.

In about an hour, I've got some friends coming over to celebrate Chris's birthday. We probably won't stay here because of the lack of parking spaces so it's off to the playground we go. Seeing as that's one of our favourite spots.
Anyways last night I went to Ryan's for a Murder Mystery Party, it was a lot of fun. I got to be Mo Lawns, who was the male groundskeeper at the resort. I decided to make him British, it made no sense, but everyone enjoyed my accent.
I was fully prepared to come as the high class slut, but work got in my way.
On the way home Linwood and I got pulled over, which was an exciting experience for me because I'd never been pulled over before and the whole time I was thinking, thanks to this cop's flashlight I can read the horribly sad sex rumours people have heard in my Seventeen magazine. Like this one for example:
"Someone told me that brushing your teeth after giving oral sex will prevent you from getting an STD"
It's even worse because that girl is 19.
On the topic of gentials, as I was getting my hair permed today I can always feel a weird tingling down there, I guess there are some nerves connected to there or something.
I have an odd body. Just thought you should know.

Alright well I'm off to make that food
(& thanks for the shout out/comments Jordan!)
xx

I have no creative title for this.

It's a damn good thing I'm not allergic to dust. & tiny spiders.
I was at work today doing inventory of the damages and I got a cut from a broken cup and dust all over me. It was an ordeal.
Inventory of the whole store is on Monday, we have to go in at 7 and never leave. It's going to be like 10 hours or something crazy. But on the brightside:
1. Money
2. Pizza
3. We get to wear jeans.
(which really excites all of us, we're all like WHAT ARE WE GOING TO WEAR?!)
& I told Katie that I wish I could wear a shirt with an ass on it, that says KISS THIS.
Too bad I haven't got one. I should make one.

& I bought or my mom bought rather, iPod speakers for my car because it is without radio. I made a driving playlist and I parallel parked to that shit.

In other news I think I have Restless Legs Syndrome:

Symptons:
Strange itching, tingling, or "crawling" sensations occurring deep within the legs. These sensations sometimes occur in the arms. (check)

A compelling urge to move the limbs to relieve these sensations (check)

Restlessness - Floor pacing, tossing and turning in bed, rubbing the legs (check)

Symptoms may occur only with lying or sitting. Sometimes persistent symptoms occur that are worse with lying or sitting and better with activity. In very severe cases, the symptoms may not improve with activity. (& check)

It's happening right now.


(Oh and plus the time is all wrong, it's definitely 2am right now.)

"If we don't get anywhere we're gonna get to the fucking Dunkin Donuts!"

Nick and I went on an adventure today to find the thirft store because he needed some clothes.
Although it took a few wrong turns, we did get to enjoy the scenery of the lovely backroads of Woodstock. And as we were sliding down those roads Fast Car came on by Tracy Chapman and I don't know something about that song and where we were just fit perfectly.
Singing along and clutching my camera with my arm out of the window. I think everyday should be like that.
Before that rousing trip to the Salvation Army, my dad and I went to the Wal-Mart parking lot to practice parallel parking. I hate it, but I'm getting better.

I haven't checked Rupert Grint.net today, which is something that I basically do everytime I get on the internet. Sad I know, but it's not like I'm the only one.

I don't want to leave!

Working at Hallmark makes me:

1. Sing to Michael Bolton (&other crap music)
2. Hate children (generally I like them)
3. Lose the little faith I have in humanity
4. Steal candy
5. Realize how many Europeans are in Maryland & ways of finding them
(and I'm sure the list would go on, but I can't think of anything else)

Honestly it's just sad, but it's work so I suck it up. It does give me a kind of sick pleasure when I tell the kids that the only Webkinz we have are in the front of the store. Get it where you can, eh?

Besides work, things have been good I guess. I'm just kind of going through the motions really.
Something big needs to happen to throw me back into the groove of things.

I need to find paper so I can write letters to my penpals. I know there's tons of paper in my house, but I'm too lazy to find it. Hm there actually might be some behind my bed.

You never forget your first.

Well I'm not sure who's going to be reading this, if anyone, but this first post will be short. Seeing as my mother is calling me to watch a movie. And then I've got work. I desperately need to fix my hair.